Have you ever said this? "What if I . . . "? Or, "If only I . . . "?
Coulda, Shoulda, Woulda. These 3 words describe our feelings when something goes south, or we muck up some part of our lives, or we miss out on some fantastic opportunity that happened to someone else. We think we coulda done it differently, or shoulda said such and such.
Some counsellors and psychologists say that if we focus too much on regret (what if, or if only) it can cripple us emotionally, and stop us from getting on with the next phase of life. I think one of the reasons we regret is because we never truly mean to stuff things up so badly. We say something awful in a moment of anger, or worse we act out some nasty deed that we never would have done if we thought it through long enough.
Someone said, "Instant gratification is short lived and full of regret". That's true isn't it? We say or do stuff sometimes because we're angry and want to do something to hurt someone, thinking it will 'even the score'. But it never really evens the score does it? Somebody else's hurt can never fix your own hurt, I believe.
In these moments of madness it's hard to believe what Jesus promised when he said,
God blesses those people who make peace. They will be called his children! (Matthew 5:9 CEV)
How do you handle your regrets?
Let me show what one man did many years ago. His name was David, and he was the King of Israel around 1000 years B.C. He saw a beautiful woman named Bathsheba bathing and wanted her. He ordered her to the palace and had sex with her. (Whether she was a willing partner or not is not important at this time). She was a married woman and so David had her husband moved to the front lines in the war and he was killed. He then had the woman move in to the palace and he married her.
In the following months God sent a prophet to rebuke David and tell him that God wouldn't let his actions remain a secret, but would expose him for the sins he'd done. David asked for, and received, God's forgiveness. (This is a whole other story in itself which is worth reflecting on, but not right now in this post).
Now Bathsheba was already pregnant with the King's child. After the little boy was born he got very sick, and after 7 days, he died. During these 7 days David lay on the ground, had been fasting, didn't bath himself, didn't shave, ignored his appearance, and generally (it seems) hated himself for what he'd done.
The Bible records that after the child died David got up off the floor and bathed, shaved, did his hair, and started eating again. The palace servants didn't understand him at all. They said to him, "while the child was alive you neglected yourself; but now the child is dead you start living at though nothing bad has happened".
King David's reply here is the key, and the best way to move on from painful regrets, I believe. He said, "While the boy was alive, I went without food and cried because there was still hope. I said to myself, 'Who knows? Maybe the LORD will have pity on me and let the child live.' But now that he's dead, why should I go without eating? I can't bring him back! Someday I will join him in death, but he can't return to me".
There are 2 things here that I think are crucial to moving on:
1. Accept the fact that what's done is done. No matter how spiritual you are, or how sorry you feel about your mistakes, there are some things you can't change. Generally speaking the past is one thing you can't change.
2. Get on with the normal things of life. This means getting out of bed, going to work, looking after yourself, and living peacefully with those around you.
A 3rd thing that I personally would do is this: Never underestimate what God can do with your mistakes! He has a miraculous ability to sew your failures into your life's plan and make something beautiful out of something ugly! If you've ever looked at the back of a piece of tapestry you'll see the mess is all behind the picture, away from what is seen. I think that if we can get some of these things in place we will be amazed at what our life's story will say one day.
Talk soon . . .
The whole account of David's sins and restoration is found in the Bible in 2 Samuel 11 & 12 (NIV).
